The White House has pointed to a new study that links Social Security payments to HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. The new findings seem to vindicate the President’s desire to gut the current system in favor of younger workers taking their shot at the big money to be made playing the stock market, strictly for health reasons.
Outgoing Health Secretary Tommy Thompson said the new report shows a direct correlation between both the contracting of the virus by being a part of the Social Security System and the fact that not investing in stocks can also lead to the deadly infection. Speaking from his newly acquired room at The Happy Dale Federal Mental Healthcare Clinic Mr. Thompson said, “Look at Africa, look at Southeast Asia, look at India. Most of those people have nothing invested in the Stock Market and what do you see? That’s right! Rampant HIV and AIDS! Now, look at the United States. Most of our lower income citizens are all either at risk for HIV or already have it and what else do they get? Bingo, a large portion of them receive some form of Social Security payments. Now, I’m not saying everyone who has HIV/AIDS gets a Social Security check, but that’s because HIV is an infectious disease. Therefore, it’s not safe to even live near someone that gets Social Security.
Wiping a bit of spittle from the corner of his mouth and smoothing his wild hair back Thompson continued, “That old lady that lives up the hall and depends on her monthly check to lay in a thirty day supply of cat food? She could kill you at any moment just by walking past you and sneezing. I know a lot of people claim that you can’t get AIDS from casual contact by I’m not buying it. If you’re a store owner just touching a Social Security check can get you infected. I’m telling you gotta be careful. Nurse! More Halderol, Stat!”
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “Sometimes Tommy gets a little carried away, like with that bird flu comment, but this time he’s spot on. Hell, I don’t even go near my Mom anymore for fear of getting infected, but she still refuses to give up her check, the crazy old bitch. Of course George W. Bush, the Father of us all, will keep us safe from this deadly threat to our nation by abolishing Social Security and saving America. All I can say is thank God ther is a God and He anointed George W. Bush to lead America to it’s true greatness. God Bless America and George W. Bush!”