The White House, facing growing pressure to release documents and information concerning the legal opinions of Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts, has released the following biography of the DC District Court Judge:
“John Roberts was born on the edge of what was at that time the American wilderness, in a small, hand hewn, two room log cabin. Growing up, he read law books that he found in the dumpster of the local Wal Mart; of course, this delving into jurisprudence had to wait until he had slopped the hogs, tweezed the chicken droppings from the living room carpet and skimmed the pool. However, these back-breaking chores did nothing to discourage the young legal savant from pursuing his dreams of not legislating from the bench of the highest court in the land, even though his personal opinions differed widely from that law.
By the time he became a teenager Roberts had accumulated an impressive collection of sixteen masters degrees in subjects ranging from Bio-ethics to Advanced Auto Maintenance and Repair, as well as a disturbingly large collection of Barbie and Ken dolls, which he would pose in unspeakable positions. Thankfully, this proved to just a phase however, and by the time he reached the age of twenty one Mr. Roberts had joined the United States Army, Navy, Air Force and Kiwanis Club. Retiring at the age of twenty three with the rank of Admiral General Pro Consul, John went back to pursue his original dream of becoming the first Supreme Court Justice with more than three hundred Barbie and Ken dolls. Sadly, Antonin Scalia’s appointment to the Court destroyed this goal.
During a bout of depression caused by Scalia’s appointment, John checked himself into the Betty Ford Clinic and three months later emerged Barbie-less and sober. After working for years in the Regan and Bush the Elder Administrations issuing legal opinions that no one in the White House seems to want to talk about, Roberts was appointed to the DC Court.
During private conversations with lawmakers from both sides of the aisle that had been secretly recorded by the White House, Roberts has been heard to say, “Writ…Habeas Corpus…gavel.”, proving that he is eminently capable of sitting on the highest court in the land.
Based on the information provided by the White House, this publication had chosen to support his nomination to the Supreme Court and eventual anointing to Kingship.