(Washington, D.C.) The report released detailing what allowed Nigerian terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutllab to board a Detroit bound Northwest Airlines plane on Christmas Day revealed myriad failing communications between counter-terror agencies and one positive. Al Qaeda is using “The Three Stooges” shorts to recruit.
The report released on Thursday was compiled through a review of security and intelligence systems. And while it did reveal that counter-terrorism experts never put the pieces of information that they had together, it also noted that Umar Farouk Abdulmutllab was heard by eyewitnesses on the Northwest flight chanting, “Hey porcupine, take that. Woo. Woo. Woo.”
After being taken into custody, a “Best of The Three Stooges” DVD dubbed into Arabic was found among his belongings. When asked about the DVD Abdulmutllab said, “We view the strength of Curly, his spirit and humor against the constant onslaught of Moe, as a divine symbol and model of the Arab world’s indomitable spirit against the jackboot of the West.”
At a press conference, White House National Security Adviser James Jones said that this was not an isolated incident. “It is something we’ve been tracking for a while. Our allies in Yemen found a good deal of Stooge related paraphernalia in safe houses, from DVDs to posters. In London, our operatives found more radical madras teaching course in the Stooges.”
Jones explained that “Stooge humor is the male common denominator. The double finger eye gouge, the sawing of the head with accompanying novelty sound effect, the wooden plank being whirled by Moe that you know will hit both Curly and Larry, how can any man of any faith not like that?”
Jones was asked if he found any of this surprising. “Yes, the fact that Muslims seem to like Shemp more than Curly.” Jones said this news was the first positive sign to come out of the Christmas Day bombing. “It wasn’t by chance that Umar Farouk Abdulmutllab hide the bomb in his pants and tried to detonate them. I can’t be specific, since this is an ongoing investigation, but I will say that those extremists recruited through “The Three Stooges” seem to view their work as a terror model. “
When a reporter asked what the short was that inspired Abdulmutllab, Jones replied, “That’s classified. But with Al Qaeda using “The Three Stooges” as a terror attack model, I can with confidence say that I, Janet Napolitano and John Brennan are on an equal playing field.”
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