Christian Conservative groups were dismayed when their Family Values Campaign apparently backfired today, resulting in the cancellation of most Bible based films from network television such as Moses, The Greatest Story Ever Told and The Robe. Network Television executives, fresh off their banning of Saving Private Ryan on Veteran’s Day due to language and violence have determined that Bible based films suffer the same failings.
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” We in the Bush Administration wholeheartedly support the Networks in their decision to not show these gory and violent films. Hollywood has to realize that it’s a new day in America and they can’t just throw any blood filled crap on the air to scare our poor innocent children. I mean think about it…John the Baptist gets his head cut off, Jesus is whipped and nailed to a cross, Egyptians with boils, it’s disgusting; why, it’s almost as horrifying as Janet Jackson’s nipple!”
Continuing to anonymously speak, Waterhouse continued, ” We are encouraging parents to boycott any station that shows violent content in whatever form, whether it’s the Passion of Christ or Saving Private Ryan. Parents should let their kids just play computer games instead like Mortal Kombat or Doom. We would’ve suggested the Syms as well but we’ve got a sneaking suspicion they’re Jewish.”
When informed that Conservative Christians wanted to see Jesus get whipped and nailed to a cross and die and John the Baptist get his head cut off but not Janet Jackson’s nipple, Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that he was completely befuddled said, ” Wait a minute, you’re telling me that three hours of a guy getting his head cut off or nailed to a cross is okay, but three seconds of a cute Black chick’s nipple isn’t? You must have your facts wrong. Why would Christians want to see their Savior sliced and diced? That would be as stupid as saying, oh… I don’t know, believing that killing an unborn child is wrong but killing tens of thousands of Iraqi women and children in the name of Freedom is fine. Who would think that way? Violence is violence, unless of course George Bush is the one committing it, and should be banned.”
Christian Conservative Groups responded to Waterhouse’s comments by marching to Washington to flog and nail him to a cross for getting it wrong.