White House Transcript of George W. Bush Phone Call Released: DATE: Wed., Nov 8, 5:00AM EST.

“Hello, Daddy?”

“Wha…? Junior? Is that you?”

“Yeah, Daddy, it’s me. Look Dad, have you seen…”

“Junior, do you have any idea what time it is? Momma and are still sleeping.”

“Dad, you know I can never figure out the time stuff so close to when they change it. Look Dad, have you been watching TV?”

“TV? I told you we were sleeping! Junior, don’t you ever listen to anything anybody says? I swear, sometimes I ask Babs how you and Jeb could be brothe…”

“DAD! I don’t mean right now, I mean last night! The election returns! Did you watch the election returns?”

“The election? No, you and Jeb weren’t up for any office…”

“Daddy, please listen to me. (Aside: Karl, I told you it wasn’t a good idea to call him this early) No, Dad, I wasn’t running for anything, but all of my Policies were. Daddy, My Policies lost! I don’t have any Mandate anymore! What’ll I do? You gotta help me!”

“Son, your mother and I never thought you having Man Dates was a good idea…you’re married for goodness sakes! We never understood how Laura could accept that; it’s just unnatural. I know times change, but you’re a Conservative Republican, not Liberace or something. You know, I was just saying to…”

“Jesus Christ Dad! Would you just listen to me?! You never listen to me or any of my idea’s! It’s always Jeb this and Jeb that, never, ‘What does George think?’ (Aside: What do you want Karl? Oh, yeah right, the war.) Look Dad, I’m sorry I yelled. I need your help. Everyone hates me and is calling me stupid again…well, still…and you know how mad that makes me.”

“I know, son, it hurts to hear it. But you gotta admit….”

“Yeah, yeah, well. Look Dad, the thing is, I need your help. This whole Iraq thing has gotten kinda outta hand and no one here seems to know what to do. Staying The Course doesn’t look like it’s gonna fly anymore and quite frankly, that’s all we had. I was wondering if you had any idea’s.”

“You’re asking me that now!? Look boy, don’t you think it’s a little late to come crawling to your ole’ Dad for ideas? I tried to warn you about this three years ago and what happened? You stopped taking my calls, that’s what happened. Have you called Jeb? What does he think?”

“You see? You see?! That’s what I’m talking about! Always what Jeb thinks! (Aside: What? Alright, Karl. Alright!) Look Dad, forget Jeb for a minute. I wish I could. Can you make a few calls to your old advisers for me? It looks pretty plain that the ‘merican people…”

“Mexicans? What do the Mexican people have to do with anything? You haven’t gone down there partying again, have you? We thought you were through with all that. You promised…”

“No Dad, ‘mericans. Ah-mericans, okay? Are you happy now?”

“As a matter of fact, yes. You always have marbles in your mouth. Now, what were you saying?”

“Yeah, well, where was I? Right, advisors. Dad, can you ask some of your guys to sorta take a look at what we’ve been doin here and…I don’t know…maybe come up with a plan or something? My legacy’s getting all shot to hell.”

“No, Georgie, your troops are getting all shot to hell, your legacy’s dead and buried. Get used to it; I did. But to answer your question, sure, I’ll make a few calls. But you’re gonna have to get rid of that idiot Rumsfeld…that’s a deal breaker and if he stays I’m not gonna do it. You hear me Son? Not gonna do it.”

“Get rid of Don? But he owes me three hundred bucks from our pinochle nights! I’ll never get it if I fire him!”


“Fine. Okay? FINE! Don’s outta here.”

“Good. I’ll make the calls, but you’d better listen to what they tell you and you’d better do it too, Junior…Junior?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll do it. Say, is Mom mad at me? Tell her I didn’t mean to screw up again; tell her I’m sorry, okay? She won’t take my calls.”

“Your mothers a hard woman, Son. I’d like to help, but she’s still kinda mad at me for my own legacy. She keeps saying Jeb’s her’s and you’re mine. Oh, well. I mean, what are ya gonna do?”

“Thanks Dad. And don’t worry about Mom…I guess I’ll send her flowers or something. Look, y’all go back to sleep, but don’t forget I called again, okay? Promise? Dad? Dad? Oh, shit Karl, he hung up already.”