Whittington Kept under Wraps in Intensive Care

Corpus Christi, TX (UPSI) – Harry Whittington, the 78 year-old lawyer who was recently shot by his friend Dick Cheney is apparently doing quite well after suffering a mild heart attack, according to his ER physician and the hospital administrator. Both addressed reporters today to dispel rumors of Whittington’s condition given the fact that he remains in intensive care.

“It’s fairly common practice to keep someone in intensive care in order to insure their privacy is respected,” stated Whittington’s attending physician Dr. Evor. “Admittedly, intensive care is a little more costly than regular hospital beds, but this is the extent to which we have to go to guard patients against an intrusive press sometimes. If you think about it, it really illustrates the degree to which the press might be responsible in many ways for the spiraling costs of hospitalization. Not to politicize this press conference in any way, but this is one of the reasons that I, as a physician, would support the president’s plans for Health-Care Savings Accounts.”

Hospital administrator Kenneth Moleman added, “I would have to second what the good doctor is saying here. Mr. Whittington is in fine shape for a man of 78. Let’s just suppose that this accident happened under a situation when his lifetime record of good health was rewarded through his own Health-Care Savings Account. If that were the case Mr. Whittington would be looking at a windfall, perhaps in the millions of dollars, which could be earmarked towards facial reconstruction of virtually any face that he’d like to choose. As it is now, if he were not privately insured, he would be sadly limited to the minimum “patch job” allowable under Medicare. Some may think that scars are, “sexy”, but I think, given the choice, most folks would disagree.”

Dr. Evor and Mr. Moleman refused to speculate further as to how long Mr. Whittington may remain hospitalized and instead deferred the question to the wishes of the White House and its insistence that Whittington receive the best care possible.