Wikileaks Founder Julian Assange Charged With Failure To Use Condom; Being Lousy Lover

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange will be extradited to Sweden in the next few days to face charges that he failed to use a condom with one woman and had sex with a second woman while she slept without waking her thus violating Sweden’s strict “lousy lover’ law.

“We must extradite Mr. Assange before he tries to have sex with British women and frustrating them as well”, said Lord Justice Thomas.

Assange’s defense team argued that being a “lousy lover” is not a crime in the UK and therefore Assange should not be extradited. Meanwhile, prosecutors in Sweden insist that Assange has broken the law and should be punished accordingly.

The Swedish law states: “When entering into a sexual contact between a male and female, the male is obligated to provide maximum stimulation to allow the female to achieve orgasm. If the desired orgasm in not achieved and the male makes no further attempts to provide stimulation then he shall be subject to a fine of not less than 5,000 Euros (c. $6,100) and a prison sentence of no less than one year”.

Assange was accused by two women of violating this law.

“He didn’t use a condom with me”, stated one of the women. “This made me nervous and I couldn’t enjoy the sex act! And the whole thing only lasted two minutes!”

“He had sex with me while I was asleep!” claimed the other woman. “I didn’t even wake up until after he was done and I asked him, ‘did we have sex?’ and he said we did! If he hadn’t told me I never would have known! Could you imagine a worse lover? He could have at least done some heaving and thrusting or performed some cunnilingus!”

Swedish authorities plan to charge Assange to the fullest extent of the law and throw him in prison for the full two years for both offenses.