LOCATION DELETED)– – Lottery machines cranked out tickets at a dizzying rate as the multistate Mega Millions game drew bettors with a jackpot estimated at a record $355 million.
The (Location deleted) winner, who wished to remain unidentified, said she purchased a single one-dollar ticket at the local ‘Arab’ convenience store. ” I bought the ticket from that bearded guy who runs the place with the change from my two six packs. I almost fainted when my numbers came up on TV.”

Asked what she would do with the winnings, she replied,” I think I’ll quit my six-dollar-an-hour job making beds at the (deleted) motel and buy the place. It seems to be a good business.”

The odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot was about 1 in 176 million.

Al Jeezra news reporter Faris Ziyad promised not to reveal where the ticket was purchased, ” I am duty, professionally and ethically bound to protect my sources”, he explained, “but I can say that the U.S. Government has been looking for bin Laden in the rural mountains of Pakistan. He has been in the United States for the past two years operating a convenience store..”

Upon hearing the news, Vice resident Dick Cheney suffered a seizure and was rushed back to Bethesda Naval Hospital where he had just been released after suffering a blood clot.

A livid President Bush ordered the immediate arrest of the Al-Jeezra reporter. ” We’ll get bin Laden’s location out of him!” snarled the President. He’ll be sent to our CIA prison in Turkmenistan. Those guys know how to make someone talk!”

Lottery winner (deleted), concluded, ” I certainly will give that bearded guy a few bucks tip!”

Since this story appeared, I have been told that the convenience store has been closed and the owner reportedly has been seen in the remote, mountain regions of Pakistan. Because of that, I am including proof to authenticate the above. ( G. Schnitzel)