Women Drivers, Biblical Judgements and Iraq Finds Peace Through Grease…Unconfirmed Sources News…


Can I Put You Hold For A Second?:

A Portland, Oregon woman survived a 60 foot fall after her SUV went off a bridge in a rainstorm and sank another 55 feet to the bottom of the Willamette River. While talking on a hands free cell phone, 31 year old Melissa Bogaard lost control on the slick metal bridge surface and crashed through the guardrail. She was able to unbuckle herself, crawl through the smashed front windshield and swim to the surface with only minor cuts and bruises. Man, if I had a dollar for every time that happened to me.

If Thy Eye Offends Thee…:

The Colorado Supreme Court has thrown out the death sentence of a man convicted of raping and murdering a cocktail waitress in 1994 after it was discovered that jurors deliberating the case referred to the Bible during their deliberations. Robert Harlan’s sentence was reduced to life without parole for the murder of Rhonda Maloney after defense attorneys complained that five jurors consulted the Bible and wrote down specific passages from it to discuss with other jurors. Apparently the jurors first tried to have Harlan stoned to death, then failing that, sold into slavery, crucified or perhaps afflicted with boils and a plague of locusts, all of which are punishments called for in the Good Book. The Colorado Court intimated that if the jurors had used the Bhagavad-Gita, the I Ching or Mad Magazine as their guide then things might have turned out differently.

Iraqi Says Insurgents Won’t Throw A Wrench In The Works:

Iraq’s outgoing Foreign Minister has vowed to end the insurgency plaguing his country by years end, specifically December 15th, 2005 at 7:15 AM, Baghdad time. Fallah Hassan al-Naqib told anyone who’d listen that Iraq’s fledgling Security Forces “have become very active as we managed to form seven divisions of police commandos supported by a mechanic division.” The lack of good mechanics has been cited by United States Secretary of Dense Donald Rumsfeld as the primary cause of all the death and destruction in that beleaguered country, since as everyone knows, people get pretty cranky when their cars not running well.