In a completely unexpected turn of events World Peace was declared this morning, signaling the end of all violence and murder planet wide. The announcement was made by Festus P. Hymen of Billings, Montana as he ate breakfast in the Duck Inn Cafe and Bait Shop. It may be remembered that Mr. Hymen was the original author of the World Peace Movement; six months ago, as he was he was reading the paper in Lu Lu’s Lox of Bagels, Mr. Hymen was heard to exclaim, “Jesus Christ on a Crutch, why can we all just learn to get along?”
It was one of those moments that change the course of history, but it began slowly at first.
Mary Ellen Mountjoy, who was sitting near Mr. Hymen responded, “You know Festus, you got yourself a point there. Why are we all fighting everywhere? It’s just gotta stop.” News of the exchange spread and one by one the residents of first Greater Metropolitan Billings, then all of Montana endorsed the movement. By the end of May all of the American Western States were on board and now it finally seems that everyone on the entire planet has signed on.
Well, almost everyone. President George W. Bush has expressed outrage and dismay that World Peace has been declared. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” Man, when we first heard the news I thought that Bush would have a coronary. He started screaming at the TV ‘What the hell do they mean, Peace? No more wars, no more hatred? That’s crazy! What am I gonna tell the American People? If they think they’re all safe then they won’t need me to protect them! I’m screwed!’. I tried to tell him that he still could point to his accomplishments in the economy, education and the environment but he just started crying.”
Speaking on the condition of even more anonymity Waterhouse continued, ” I gotta admit, I’ve got mixed feelings about this World Peace thing. I mean sure, on the one hand it sounds great…no one gets bombed or shot or anything but think about it; this could ruin the entire fabric of our society. Since 1990 the United States has shipped more than $152 billion dollars in guns, planes, tanks and other weapons around the world. Do you know what kind of hit our economy would take if all that stopped? That’s over $10 billion a year we lose in sales, mostly from companies we in the Administration own stock in.
This is really gonna hurt our bottom line.”