Yes Virginia, There Is A Real Mitt Romney

(The following letter was received by our editorial department this week. We would like to share it, and our reply, with you. Happy Holidays!)

Dear Editor-
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no real Mitt Romney. Papa says, “If you see it in Unconfirmed Sources, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a real Mitt Romney?
Virginia O’Hanlon

(Our Reply:)

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. That’s what you get for hanging out with Jews, Muslims, Democrats, regular Christians and Free Masons. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little Liberal minds.

Yes, Virginia, there is a real Mitt Romney. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion used to exist, and you know what that was like…jeez. But thankfully for us political satirists, he exists. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Mitt Romney, real or otherwise! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias, or North Carolinas or even Delaware, and you can’t get much drearier than Delaware.

Not believe in Mitt Romney! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch all the political and moral positions a man can take this Christmas Eve to catch the real Mitt Romney, but even if you did see the real Mitt Romney coming down on a particular issue, what would that actually prove? Nothing! I mean, really. Get a grip, Virginia.

Nobody sees the real Mitt Romney, but that is no sign that there is no real Mitt Romney. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Well, Mitt Romney said he did and that’s why he no longer supports Gay Marriage.

You can tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside ( which is a helluva thing to do to a baby…still, you can do it if you want ), but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man that ever lived could tear apart. Only the somewhat crazy faith that there a real Mitt Romney can push aside that curtain and view the supernatural beauty and glory beyond. Is Mitt Romney for real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing real and abiding, not one thing, so stop even thinking that way. Stupid bitch.

But no real Mitt Romney! He lives and lives forever, or at least he seems to, doesn’t he?. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of satirists the world over. Or we’ll forget him by early 2009 as an also ran. Whatever.