You ARE reporting for duty–John Kerry Activated

(Boston-MA) Former Democratic presidential candidate, John Kerry, is in-not the army now-but the navy again. He has been called to active duty and is to report to the San Diego Naval Station for assignment on the supply ship William Henry Harrison by the month’s end.

At first, Kerry seemed surprised by the induction notice. “When I said ‘John Kerry reporting for duty’, I didn’t think they’d take me literally.” But surprise quickly gave way to Kerry’s keen analytic ability. “Right after I gave away my medals and before I went on The Dick Cavett Show, I now recall making a mental note to myself. ‘Remember to resign your commission.’ I never did because Goldie Hawn was supposed to be on the show. Apparently, it distracted me.”

Kerry sees his induction as an opportunity to advance his continuing belief that “if this doesn’t prove the administration is ill-equipped to fight this war, I don’t know what does. The only thing they’ve managed to master are these MREs. They’re scrumptious!” After being told that what he was eating was in fact pizza not an MRE, the Brahmin Senator from Boston was quick to reply. “Then they’ve accomplished nothing. But bravi to the Italians.”

In a rare moment of being allowed to speak in public, Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, was quick to refute Kerry’s charges: “We have pizza MREs with pepperoni I might add; and, not to disparage our Italian coalition members, they are scrumptious. As to our activation of Ensign Kerry and it signifying a lack of human resources in our military, we actually voted against activating him before voting for it.” Rumsfeld ended with: “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to use that line?”

Calls to The White House were met with a written statement: “The President stands behind his staff’s decision. However, he would like to take this opportunity to say that HE DID resign his commission, and you can find that record in triplicate. So while he would like to be activated, he can’t.”

When asked if he would report for duty, Kerry’s response was a cryptic: “Do they still check passports to get into Canada?”