Haggard Disappointed over Public Response to Snickers Super Bowl AD
by Dood Abides
Former evangelical minister Ted Haggard appearing in Snickers television ad

Phoenix, AZ (UPSI) - Newly declared heterosexual Ted Haggard came forward today to register his displeasure with the American public over condemnation of a recent Snickers Super Bowl ad in which he appeared. Mars Inc. was caught off guard by a tidal wave of public anger over the commercial which depicts an accidental kiss between two males. The company immediately pulled the ad campaign after overwhelming complaints that it was anti-gay. Haggard took issue with the public outcry, stating that he felt his performance reflected a natural, humorous and "completely heterosexual" situational response.

The Snickers ad was one of a number of recent attempts by the disgraced pastor of the New Life Church in Colorado to parlay his celebrity and notoriety. Most recently Haggard had been a spokesmodel for an Australian brand of underwear called the Wonderjock. Haggard, a staunch anti-gay Christian, was forced out of his 22 year position as founding pastor of the 14,000 member mega-church after revelations that he had been involved in a three-year sexual relationship with a male escort from Denver.

Haggard recently declared himself completely and totally heterosexual after an intensive three-week spiritual retreat in Phoenix, and continues to receive ongoing Christian counseling. In an e-mail to friends Haggard stated that he was now considering a career in psychology in order to combat the profession's progressive attitudes towards homosexuality from within and conform it to the teachings of the Bible and the example of Jesus.

"I really enjoyed doing the Snickers commercial," stated Haggard. "There is a sense of camaraderie, I suppose, that develops between actors in that kind of situation. There were a lot of takes, and a lot of candy bars in order to get the scene just right. It's a scientific fact that chocolate has chemical compounds that are similar to methamphetamine and stimulate sexual feelings, so it was a little tough on me. I'm just really disappointed with the American public that there is such intolerance for heterosexual feelings."

A spokesman for Mars Inc. stated that the Haggard/Snickers ad campaign had been pulled completely and would not return. He stated that the failed ad had in actuality been a positive learning experience for the corporation and that they had no idea of the extent to which their candies and other products were utilized by the gay and lesbian community. Plans were underway to revamp some older products and aggressively target this newly discovered market. The spokesman stated that the public could look for a new "Brokeback Mounds" bar in the near future, which promised to turn coconut haters into coconut lovers.

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