by Gunther Schnitzel
" I can't find the light switch, George!"

Washington -- The very last person left in the White House, Jorge Lopez, the kitchen dishwasher, submitted his resignation and today, following the disappearance of official dog Barney, the President and his wife, Laura are the sole occupants of an empty White House.

It's a bewildering and unsettling experience for the presidential couple. With the official valet gone, the President does not have his daily suit and clothing laid out, and does not know which to select from among the hundred and sixty or so in the closet. The presidential bed remains unmade as clean sheets can't be located and the presidential suite bathroom is out of toilet paper.

It's been a long time since Laura cooked a meal, but following the mass resignation of the sixty-person kitchen staff, the garbage piles up as Laura explores the massive walk-in cooler and finds huge sides of beef ready to be cut into steaks and cases of other food, but no eggs to scramble for breakfast. The operation of the restaurant-size commercial stove remains a mystery, and the lonely couple are subsisting on delivered pizzas and Oreos.

In the hundreds of deserted White House offices the silence is eerie as teletypes click, computer screens flash, and printers spew paper on the floor.

In desperation, the President picked up the phone to alert the Air Force One crew to fly the pair to Crawford, but silence. No White House telephone operator.

A shaken President sits immobilized in his office. He can't make a statement as his speech writers and advisors have fled. No one is arriving with glowing bulletins about how well the Iraq war is going. Even the morning coffee carafe is empty.

Upstairs, her hair disheveled and without makeup, Laura weeps as she constantly presses the official call button and no one appears.

With utter silence coming from the White House foreign heads of state are not being insulted, inane speeches are not being delivered, Exorbitant sums of funding for the war are not being requested, Congressional bills to repair the country's infrastructure are going through without veto, and the general mood and outlook of the public is more cheerful and upbeat.

Rate This Item
I Liked It
Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.
"Are you sure we ordered all these pies? I mean, I really hate extra cheese!" In The Wake Of NIE Report, White House Adjusts It's Threshold For War.

"I Love you Boris!" Britney Spears mourns death of Boris Yeltsin

Your Home Town Readies for Attack! Your Home Town Braces for Al-Qaida Terror Attacks

Sarah Palin Serves up the Red Meat Sarah Palin Field Dresses Deer During Rally : McCain Supporters Riot

Senatorial candidate Sharron Angle wants to seal off the border and cut off all air travel Sharron Angle pledges to crack down on illegal immigration

Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.