Ft. Hood gunman Nidal Malik Hasan accused of practicing psychiatry
by Dominus Noster
Pictured right: U.S. Army Major Nidal Malik Hasan, the Ft. Hood mass shooter, accused of practicing psychiatry.

U.S. Army Major Malik Nidal Hasan, the Ft. Hood mass shooter, accused of practicing psychiatry.
FT. HOOD, TEXAS - U.S. Army Major Nidal Hasan, the gunman who went on a deadly shooting rampage on Thursday, now stands accused of having practiced psychiatry. Military officials said they were surprised to learn that Nidal Hasan was involved in something as shadowy as psychiatry.

"The U.S. Army has a strong track record of training people to use firearms and kill people, not killing people slowly by drugging them up with poisons like Geodon, Haldol, and Prozac based upon faux reasons," said Major Killer.

"It's shocking to think that there are shooters who are also in the business of pushing deadly and toxic drugs on people," said one official, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Gunner Marksman, spokesperson for the Mass Murdering Gunmen Assocation, tried to distance his organization from psychiatry. He denied any knowledge of psychiatrists being members of the association.

"As far as I know, we have no psychiatrists that are members of our organization. We don't believe in that pill-popping stuff and would never drug somebody with poison like Haldol," said Mr. Marksman. "If we discover any psychiatrists in our ranks, we will do whatever is necessary to get them out of our organization and turn them over to the proper authorities."

Many people are saying that if it turns out to be true that Mr. Hasan was a psychiatrist, then this could give homicidal maniacs a very bad name.

"It's one thing to shoot and kill somebody. But it's quite another to kill somebody very slowly with toxic drugs," said Faye Kerr. "How scandalous to think this man was a psychiatrist. Just think of all the harm this man could have gone on to cause if he had made it out of the military and into a position at the Department of Veterans Affairs. He could have put derogatory notes about veterans based upon lies into their medical records so that the VA could deny them of their benefits."

U.S. Army officials have promised to purge their ranks of psychiatrists. Anybody caught practicing psychiatry could face a court-martial.

The American Psychiatric Association issued a statement denouncing everybody else, saying that what Nidal Malik Hasan was lacking was good psychiatric services.

"Major Hasan was in need of psychiatric intervention. Had Mr. Hasan been given proper access to a psychiatrist, perhaps this terrible tragedy could have been avoided," said the APA in a statement.

The APA also volunteered to dispatch an entire team of psychiatrists to Ft. Hood to assist with grief counseling. The U.S. Army has denied that offer.

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Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.

Your Comments

John Sherrill wrote:

D. Shaw wrote:
Amen...you said it all!

David wrote:
The USA are so corrupted now. I guess that we deserve what we get.
God may forbid our country for what we have done using our power in the wrong way.

Miguel de Servet wrote:
I understand that you define Unconfirmed Sources as "political satire and news story parodies", but only cynicism together with sick sense of humor can have suggested to you the sick joke you have come up with on this tragedy.

Only sick people delude themselves that they can satirize human misfortunes and tragedies.

You are obviously of that kind.

Shame on you.

AS wrote:
Yes, this is a tragedy...

But this story is still humorous :)

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